I still exist.

Although I'm really not doing much. THIS IS HOW MY LIFE IS:

I graduated high school. ...Not really. Due to illness and absentness through almost all of grade 12 I couldn't finish the one course I needed to complete school. Ironically, my best subject; English. So that's happening by correspondence. Or it would be if I could get the motivation to write essays about such exciting topics as "Keeping an open mind allows for growth." and "What methods of keeping the reader entertained some author used, even though he clearly didn't use any, as I decided to start carving my eyes out with swords halfway through because I found it more pleasurable."

Notice how I never said English was my favourite subject.

I got a boyfriend. Brad. I've talked about him, but for those who don't remember (aka. no one, the entire demographic of people who read this) and to sum up the parts I never did mention, our history goes like this:

Short Version:
- He likes me for a long time.
- I start liking him but I'm panicky about relationships.
- Everyone tells me to give it a shot, so I do, but can't physically do it, so break up with him 10 days later (and still feel horrible about it to this day).
- I'm a total bitch and end up kind of dating his cousin Dan because somehow he doesn't freak me out.
- Brad ends up kind of dating one of his coworkers, Clarke.
- Dan turns into... well, a jackass and ends up breaking up with me.
- A few months pass and Brad is still with Clarke and he and I are better friends again.
- We both start liking each other again, and somehow I'm not freaking out.
- He breaks up with Clarke for me (also something I feel horrible about to this day) and we start dating and have been for almost seven months.

( Loooong version! )

If you didn't bother reading all that, it's totally cool. Just please look at the adorable nephew picture. He's even got little pointy elf ears! His name is Kyden. SO. CUTE.

Anyways. Enough with the baby squealing and relationship mumbo-jumbo.

I am now in JOB HUNT MODE. This is an awful mode and I want out of it as soon as possible. I actually really hate it. I've been applying for jobs upon jobs, daily. I scour Craigslist, Monster, Workopolis, Job Bank, mall websites, the Greater Victoria website, fucking everywhere. Multiple times a day. And apply for everything I am in the least bit qualified for, attaching a personalized cover letter to each one.

NOWHERE WANTS ME.

It sucks. I'm smart, I've done plenty of things, I was involved in high school (when I wasn't all everywhere because of my sleep and general illness, but I don't mention that), I've volunteered so many places, I have experience with sales, customer service, multitasking, busy environment, leadership, teamwork, putting on plays either as an actor, director's assistant, or crew person, dishwashing, doing manual labour, looking after kids, working on computers, THE LIST GOES ON, PEOPLE!

I am fully qualified to work at a goddamn coffee shop or clothing store.

The part that really sucks is that I have only gotten ONE rejection letter. Nowhere else even bothered to drop me a line saying, "No thanks, you're useless." I just have to infer it on my own.

It was so touching getting that rejection letter. I have never been happier to be told someone doesn't want me.

So basically the overall soul crushing nature of this job search has me thoroughly demoralized. I have... fairly frequent breakdowns. I have to share the story of one, because it made me laugh:

Me: No one wants me! And they're right not to, I'm useless. I'm stupid, stubborn, selfish, and awkward. I can't function right. I can't talk to people. I'm no fun.
Brad: Shut up. You put a dinosaur in your mouth. You're plenty of fun. And the other stuff isn't true either.

He's right. I did put a dinosaur in my mouth.

But anyways, I will continue with my job search, and I will save up money, and I will move to Vancouver and go to school to become a video game designer, or perhaps animator.

Hell yeah I'm serious!

It's an idea I've been thinking about for years and finally though "...well why the fuck not?" and I talked to Brad about it and he was like "I fucking want to do that too!" so now we're both looking into it. We're going to an open house at the Art Institute of Vancouver on December 5th, and I asked the Vancouver Film School for information on their program, but that was only today so I haven't heard yet.

The problem with this plan being that to do the two year program at the Art Institute costs $40,000. And to do a one year prerequisite course, then a one year intensive game design course at the Van. Film School costs $50,000.

I have a grand total of ONE DOLLAR AND NINETY ONE CENTS in my bank account right now.

So... workin' for two to three years? I think so!

But being a game designer would be freakin' sweet. Starting out you make roughly $50,000 yearly (so I could always take out student loans and pay them back pretty quick if necessary) and if you get up there in the game design world you can make over $200,000 yearly. My hopes aren't quite that high, but... hey! The chance is always there!

And if Brad and I stay together and he does the same, then we will be simultaneously the coolest and most nerdy couple ever.

SPEAKING OF NERDY, I need to go read my fantasy book because I've been typing way too long. But at least I'm kinda caught up now! Woo!

The book really is super cool... I'm on book three of seven of the Death Gate Cycle, and it's all about how this race of magic-folk sundered the world into its four base elements: air, fire, stone, and water, and... and... they're good.

Sorry I am entirely useless.

I have been having the most retarded issues lately. One day I will sort out my life.

This is a lie.

THESE CHEERIOS ARE THE BEST CHEERIOS I HAVE EVER EATEN.

I really do not appreciate when things I am trying to download have an estimated download time of INFINITY.

PS. Sorry for being generally retarded and not posting anything. Life has been either boring or ridiculous and I kind of forgot about LJ somewhere along the way.

WOW I AM DRUNK.

It was the third night of Millie tonight, and because Chris wanted to host a cast party and Melissa wanted to host a cast party, we decided to have TWO cast parties. The first of which being tonight at Chris's house and it was wicked amounts of fun and we danced a lot. I am just sad that we always get kicked out at like 1am. (Tonight was better: 2am! We are making progress.)

As for the actual show, it is going pretty great! It was probably the worst show tonight (last night? Damn you, 3:22 am!) just because the audience was kind of lame through most of it so morale was down. But the second act was totally excellent.

The night before we had a lot of glitches. Such as Candace having one of those dressing screens fall on her head. But the audience was still excellent and we got a standing ovation and all.

And opening night the audience was small (the other two nights were sold out) but awesome. They cheered and screamed so much.

Anyways, TYPING PROPERLY IS TOO MUCH EFFORT. I need to go and read or eat popcorn or maybe DRINK SOME WATER SO I CAN DO HISTORY FOR ALL OF TOMORROW AND NOT DIE OF HANGOVER.

God, I need a pocket sized Dan Hitchen so he can just feed me history knowledge whenever I please. Which would be always, because Dan Hitchen is the most brilliant person I know and has the most excellent history knowledge. (He also happens to be both hilarious and handsome! A true friend, indeed.)

PS. I am wearing a kimono and my hair is curly. I am cool.

My life is retarded and Millie is so soon and my part is so awkward and I have so much homework to do and I don't know how I am going to survive and I can't wait for the next four months to be over so I never have to go back to high school ever again.

Wow, I only have four months left of school.

I CANNOT DEAL WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW.

I just need one thing that is happy without also being stressful, or happy without also being completely heartbreaking, or happy without also being fucking stupid.

Things need to start getting better again soon, I don't know how much more I can stand without losing my mind completely.

Today yesterday, whatever, screw you 12:20am I kissed my best friend's younger brother while his girlfriend and about 30 other people watched.

Sometimes acting is fucking weird.

Oh! And I also failed a math midterm! Y'know. Probably. Gooood times.

MILLIE OPENS IN A WEEK MILLIE OPENS IN A WEEK MILLIE OPENS IN A WEEK OH GOD OH GOD I AM NOT READY

This is a weird question. Just because someone believes in reincarnation it does not mean they can remember past lives. I myself have no idea what to believe.

Matter cannot be created or destroyed. Everyone and everything is made up of matter. This = we have always and will always exist, and we are connected to everything else that has ever or will ever exist. Where our consciousness comes from I have no idea (and this is a constant bafflement to me) but if everything else in the world exists forever, so must our consciousness.

That was too serious of a paragraph, so I'll try and explain something hilarious that Dan told me relating to reincarnation.

They were watching stand up comedy and this guy was saying how India having nuclear weapons is horrible because you are giving the power to destroy the world to a country that believes in reincarnation.
"Go ahead, press the button, I want to see what happens."

"I'm going to be a goose." (Hearing Dan say this with an Indian accent is what makes it beyond hilarious.)

"I can't do it, I'm too chicken."
"Well, you'll never be a chicken with that kind of attitude!"

In other news, I HAVE TO FINISH THIS ESSAY ON BEOWULF AND I HAVE TO WRITE A SHORT STORY AND I HAVE TO ANSWER FORTY QUESTIONS AND FIFTY ONE DEFINITIONS FOR HISTORY AND I HAVE A MATH MIDTERM ON THINGS I ABSOLUTELY DON'T UNDERSTAND ON WEDNESDAY.

AND IT'S MILLIE IN TEN DAYS AND I AM NOT GETTING SICK, I AM NOT GETTING SICK, AND I HAVE REHEARSAL AND DANCE TOMORROW SO I WILL HAVE NO TIME TO STUDY FOR MATH WHILE ALSO DOING HISTORY.

AND I STILL HAVE TO APPLY FOR ENGLISH BY CORRESPONDENCE IF I WANT TO GRADUATE AT ALL.

AAAAAH.

Know what's fun? Spending Valentines Day in the place you got broken up with less than a month ago.*

* This is a lie.

I JUST REALISED THAT I AM A DELINQUENT.

Well not really, but if someone who didn't know me just heard about some of the things I do, they would be like "what a symbol of the irresponsible teenage generation!"

Like last night when I was supposed to be studying for a math test I had this morning but instead went to Starbucks with my stoned friends and then played video games until 1am on a school night, and all the people I was with were 20+ year old boys. And then I skipped first block this morning.

SEE? DELINQUENCY.

In slightly related news (DELINQUENCY) I want to have an Anglo-Saxon party because that would be hilarious.

In Literature today we were taking notes on the Anglo-Saxons to help us understand Beowulf (which is awesome) and there was a bit on feasts and it was all 'MEAD AND BEER AND ROASTED MEAT AND FRUITS' and I looked at Candace and was like "We should have an Anglo-Saxon party." and she was like "I was totally just thinking the same thing."

Then I told this to Brad and for a second he looked completely dumbfounded, but then he started laughing and I was like "what was that?" and he said "for a second I thought you said an 'angry sex' party." Which was hysterical.

Theme parties are always the best ones.

...Okay maybe not angry sex themed parties.